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My miscarriages and trans-generational transference

black and white image of a family in bed
Happy family with 5 missing

On the darkest days of winter, when the days were short and the nights long, I gathered into myself. I felt the need to go inwards. And inwards I went. What waited for me there was unspoken pain and unspoken truth.

I started listening to podcast about family constellation. How important it is to acknowledge the right place of people in our family structure. Ancestors and babies alike.

So I sat down and started writing it:

We hardly talk about miscarriages in our society. We dare not mention it and when we do, it can be so scary. It was for me. And the reason it was scary is because I never knew how common it is. All I heard was stories about healthy babies or stories about abortions.

So after I got pregnant for the first time I was utterly devastated to have a miscarriage at 7 weeks. I was beyond consoling, I could not stop crying. It hit me hard. I wasn’t expecting that and I wasn’t prepared for it.

I now honour and acknowledge this baby as my first child. Her name is Ella.

Two weeks later I ovulated. I had a strong, all consuming, feeling that I needed filling. It was unbelievably powerful. I announced to my husband my need for him to put a baby in me. Now. He did not object.

I got pregnant again that night.

I had a very unrestful 7 weeks. Every time I went to the toilet I prayed I would not see blood.

Around week 6 I had a nightmare one night: I was sitting on the toilet and I saw blood. I woke up sweating and ran to the toilet. There was no blood.

Almost 42 weeks later a baby was born. She did not want to come out but they made her come out. She was angry.

newborn baby breastfeeding for the first time

I called her Ella for a whole day.

But after a day I looked at her and together with my husband we started playing with names we liked until we stopped on Mia.

I always knew my first born’s second name would be Phoenix (that's a whole different story). And like the Phoenix she lifted my heart from ashes and filled it with love. And so many more emotions. Such is motherhood.

newborn baby in hospital

I was capable of growing a beautiful and healthy full term baby. I was able to get over a lot of breastfeeding hardship and feed her from my milk. She was thriving.

I never feared a miscarriage again.

When Mia was 2 I got pregnant again. I am an only child and I knew I wished for more than one child.

It was a bit earlier than planned, I was still happily breastfeeding Mia, but I was happy and grateful.

I took Mia to see my friend in Brighton. It was quite the journey from Manchester.