top of page

My miscarriages and trans-generational transference

black and white image of a family in bed
Happy family with 5 missing

On the darkest days of winter, when the days were short and the nights long, I gathered into myself. I felt the need to go inwards. And inwards I went. What waited for me there was unspoken pain and unspoken truth.

I started listening to podcast about family constellation. How important it is to acknowledge the right place of people in our family structure. Ancestors and babies alike.

So I sat down and started writing it:

We hardly talk about miscarriages in our society. We dare not mention it and when we do, it can be so scary. It was for me. And the reason it was scary is because I never knew how common it is. All I heard was stories about healthy babies or stories about abortions.

So after I got pregnant for the first time I was utterly devastated to have a miscarriage at 7 weeks. I was beyond consoling, I could not stop crying. It hit me hard. I wasn’t expecting that and I wasn’t prepared for it.

I now honour and acknowledge this baby as my first child. Her name is Ella.

Two weeks later I ovulated. I had a strong, all consuming, feeling that I needed filling. It was unbelievably powerful. I announced to my husband my need for him to put a baby in me. Now. He did not object.

I got pregnant again that night.

I had a very unrestful 7 weeks. Every time I went to the toilet I prayed I would not see blood.

Around week 6 I had a nightmare one night: I was sitting on the toilet and I saw blood. I woke up sweating and ran to the toilet. There was no blood.

Almost 42 weeks later a baby was born. She did not want to come out but they made her come out. She was angry.

newborn baby breastfeeding for the first time

I called her Ella for a whole day.

But after a day I looked at her and together with my husband we started playing with names we liked until we stopped on Mia.

I always knew my first born’s second name would be Phoenix (that's a whole different story). And like the Phoenix she lifted my heart from ashes and filled it with love. And so many more emotions. Such is motherhood.

newborn baby in hospital

I was capable of growing a beautiful and healthy full term baby. I was able to get over a lot of breastfeeding hardship and feed her from my milk. She was thriving.

I never feared a miscarriage again.

When Mia was 2 I got pregnant again. I am an only child and I knew I wished for more than one child.

It was a bit earlier than planned, I was still happily breastfeeding Mia, but I was happy and grateful.

I took Mia to see my friend in Brighton. It was quite the journey from Manchester.

We had a great relaxing time.

mother and toddler with Brighton views
favourite photo from Brighton

The train back was cancelled and we were put on a crummy, noisy and uncomfortable train. While I was trying to entertain and feed Mia I started feeling the cramps. Like period pains. I asked someone to watch Mia while I went to the small dirty toilet where I saw the blood.

I was 6 weeks pregnant. I felt terribly alone. Not able to share this with anyone around me. I was on a train full of strangers.

When we got back home I took two weeks to rest and bleed the pregnancy out. Even though it made me feel guilty, I felt OK about having a miscarriage. Maybe even a little bit relieved because I could have some more time alone with Mia.

I might be feeling a little guilty about it now.

But I recognise this baby as my child.

Her name was Tova, Tobie.

A few months have passed. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with my life. Nothing made sense except being a mum to Mia. My old career wasn’t appealing to me anymore and I was not sure what was my path going forwards. So maybe another baby now will be a good idea. Somebody new to occupy my life and time.

I got pregnant again. Easily.

This time I went beyond week 6, week 7, week 8, week 9, week 10. On week 11 I started feeling the cramps again.

This time it was hard. It was at a later stage.

I miscarried him on the toilet. It felt like a ping pong size ball shooting out of me and disappearing down the drain. I didn’t see it. I didn’t want to see it.

It was shocking. My body has already changed a lot in this young pregnancy.

I was so happy that I had Mia, she was my solace. I was ok with losing this pregnancy.

I was sad, it was harder than before, but I was OK.

I recognise this baby as my child. His name was Ellis.

At this point I was a little bit worried, but I didn’t give up. I became a bit of an expert on natural miscarriages. What to do, what to eat, which herbs to drink.

I found myself counselling and helping other women who came my way. Women that the universe sent my way.

It felt good. I felt less alone in this.

In the following months we tried again. But I didn’t get pregnant.

Suddenly that part became difficult.

I even went to get checked.

I knew my body was trying to tell me something but I didn’t know what.

I did start to have an inkling of what I wanted to do with my life. I bought my first DSLR camera.

After months of trying to get pregnant I started having strange pains one evening and dark blood came around my ovulation time. That was very untypical for me so I bought a pregnancy test. I was pregnant again. I was very happy.

But the bleed didn’t stop. It came and went. So have the pains.

I went to get checked. I was around 7 weeks pregnant.

"You are pregnant" they said "but it’s not far enough to have a scan" they said.

"I know when I ovulated" I said. "I know how far along I should be because I track my period cycles" I said. "No" they said and sent me home.

Something was wrong. It felt very wrong. When I was about 9 weeks pregnant I started feeling very poorly.

I had cold sore on my face and a bacterial infection took a ride. I looked bad and felt worse.

Again I went to the emergency gynaecology department. I sat there waiting. With very high temperature that kept rising.

Finally they saw me. “Have you just run here? Your pulse is sky high”. “No” I replied “I have been sat here for 3 hours waiting”.

They admitted me immediately with an IV of antibiotics for 24 hours. My temp was nearly 40c.

Only the next day they took me for a scan. I was alone. My husband had to go into work (I probably told him to go) and my best friend couldn’t make it to the scan. Mia was with her grandparents. I was alone. So alone.

I finally got my scan that showed a completely empty uterus. Nothing. No baby.

Just my body desperately trying to fight this ectopic pregnancy.

I never cried so hard in my life. Alone. With the worst hospital tissue paper in the world. Now my face was puffy, red, full of cold sore and infection.

Later that day I got to see my Mia. And breastfed her. That felt so good. It was the one thing I felt I had any control over in this body of mine.

My body got rid of